The power tussle: Wife Vs Mother!


fridays

There’s a subscription by married men to this mindset especially among Africans, Asians and some other ethnicities that I struggle to comprehend, let alone accept.
The mindset goes that “YOUR MOTHER COMES BEFORE YOUR WIFE”  as a married man.

Now, I don’t know what side you’re on or whatever has shaped your thoughts or mindset but any man over 13 years old that confuses honor and deference where their mothers are concerned, in the light of their wives, is still a child… it’s as simple as that. You need to grow up!!!

Your mother and my mother, as a man, should have had her husband adore her, give her the king’s place of honor in their marriage and should have done all to give the world to her, under normal circumstances and even if her husband failed her (i.e. my father or your father) it’s not my burden or yours to do what and all our fathers should have done for our mothers just as sons.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my mum and I will do anything in my power to give her the best of myself, my resources and my time as much as it doesn’t interfere with my marriage or the place my wife takes in my heart or the authority she has rightfully beside me in fighting life’s many battles.

I wonder why some men have to think their mothers have a right to be in competition with their wives for their love or attention or resources or authority or decisions or otherwise.

Hey our mothers delivered, nurtured and cared for us. We didn’t choose that. It’s destiny and nature. We are forever indebted to them and most normal men will do their best for their mothers by default and if they have the power/means to do so.

My wife and yours (under NORMAL circumstances)… we chose! We wooed, we courted and we married. We made promises to them. We empowered them to stand beside us. We assured them we would showcase them to the world as our Queens. We convinced them that life with us for 40 – 80 years was the best gamble they could make. We sold to them the idea that our hearts, our time, our bodies and our treasures belong to them for as long as life flowed through our nostrils. We also IMPORTANTLY led them to believe we will be there for them, stand by them and push them to be the best versions of themselves.

This is a special kind of love that a wife has – one that a mother can never share in your heart. Your wife will always be number 1. She is the reason first and then maybe your children next why you strive to become anything in life. She is the motivation for your ambitions. She is the one you fear to hurt and when you hurt can’t bear to forgive yourself for being a shithead. She is the one that enflames your bosom. She is one that becomes your friend and confidant. She becomes the headache you get but you don’t mind, the one you live to banter and quarrel with and the one whose oddities you miss when you are away from her.

Your wife is and always will be number 1. It doesn’t matter if she’s a terrible wife or a great wife; if she’s bad at this or good at that; if she makes your life happier and worse….. AND CONTRARY to what anyone else thinks including your mum, YOU CHOSE HER! You made her one of your key decisions in life even if you think you were manipulated or the marriage was arranged, she was still a choice you made. Live with it!!!!

Yes, some may say mothers are irreplaceable and wives aren’t….that itself is stupidity. Why are you even considering that prospect? May you never have a need to replace any human dear to you.

Adult men aren’t wired to need their mothers but their women (wives) instead. While your mum will always be your first love or reference point to love (or maybe not if you had a difficult mum), she will not always be in that position and sensible mothers will know when that has happened (are all mothers always sensible or will not test their boundaries? That’s another discussion for another day). Sensible sons will also know to honour and love their mothers but not at the expense of their wives.

In fact, over time you mum takes number 3 spot or even lower. You wife and your kids will always take 1 and 2. You may even love your job or a passion more and she goes lower. Your responsibility to your mum is to be a son not a husband (the one who cares for, tends and nurtures) and even in their old age you can only but be a son (even when they are dependent on you for everything) NOT their husbands or Number 1 person.

If you disagree with me, that’s your headache.

Continue to let the woman you swore before many to love for always suffer because of your stupidity and because you’re not man enough to respectfully explain to your mum that she’s not the queen in your heartspace; the king’s mother no doubt but not the Queen and to live with the consequences thereafter of such of conversation in truth and reality check.

#okbye


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Mr Peter-Ben Oluwafemi Anifalaje is a talented Fashion, Portrait and Commercial Lifestyle photographer( you can find him here: ShotbyFemomusic producer/player of may instruments, lover of God, Mrs Femo and a renowned Facebook celebrity 🙂  We are honoured to have him on QuirkyTims.


Hello quirkies, welcome to #QuirkyFridays *Insert thunderous applause*

All I could say was wow when I read this piece and I’m thankful a MARRIED man is saying this so there’s no bias or conflict of interest. You know how people can fly into conclusion and call it a campaign for the #MenAreScum movement on Twitter(search for this on Twitter and thank me later) or my favourite label “feminist”. Everything calling men to order now has a tag and I’m ecstatic this is by a man for men and I knew I just had to get this on the blog.

That’s it quirkies, I don’t see the need to add to all he’s said but you can let me know what you think about this constant Mother or Wife debate in the comment section. Have a wonderful weekend and keep on smiling!!!

Talk to y’all later xxx

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3 thoughts on “The power tussle: Wife Vs Mother!

  1. Why does it have to be a tussle though? A good wife would appreciate the mother and turn to her for tips on how to better understand her husband. Every family has their unique dynamics. There are mothers and there are MOTHERS. And in choosing a potential spouse how you treat or regard my mother is very very important.

    No doubt your wife should be #1 but ideally your spouse should see your parents as theirs. If that were the case any friction would be minimal to non-existent

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  2. Your parents are your wife’s parents vice versa. It becomes a tussle when the man doesn’t speak up in situations that can cause permanent damage. There are situations where the man has not truly emancipated himself from his family so problems arise and the wife feels neglected or unimportant. Your mother is your mother and your wife is your wife. They both have their places in your life, conflict arises when one or the other tries to move from said place.

    There are mothers and there are mothers, the way the man handles the relationship between his mother and wife will ensure the peace of the home. Seeing them as your parents is another case; some women had evil mothers 😛

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  3. That is one way to look at it. A lot of times though I think women need to ask themselves why do the father in laws and son in laws get along with minimal fuss more often than not. This is someone’s daughter he took yet they rarely ever squabble. Ohh and hey. He and his fam has prostrated for your people. So now its your turn. I joke Seriously we see a lot of wives turn from mild mannered, respectful prospective daughters to DMX after getting what they want. Hence the mother in laws feel cheated Understanding and appreciating the unique dynamics of the family you are marrying into is very important. One size does not fit all. This is Africa and as a wife you have to make some compromises from time to time

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