This post was inspired by a mini WhatsApp rant, if you’re on my WhatsApp you’d have seen some parts of this, it has been repurposed into a blog post.
One thing that took me a long time to accept (I still struggle with it) is the fact that people will not place you the way you place them.
This thing can be very painful, imagine someone you have gone above and beyond for, goes on to thank someone(usually some random person) that is not you for being there for them, or the worse one; cuts you off without any warning or explanation. Ah! You lie if you say e no dey pain.
However, what is comforting to me in the midst of this struggle, is that I do not “do” for people with expectations. It’s not an easy feat because as human beings, we are inherently selfish. However, life has taught me that when you “do” because of reciprocity, disappointment is what you’re courting.
My default mode with people is “help always”. It’s such an ingrained behaviour that I don’t think twice about it and I remember two former lovers always going on about how it was an unhealthy trait. If you tell me something, post something, ask a question on a group I’m in, etc. trust me, I will start searching, looking for ways, it’s almost like a possession, I will not rest until I do my best to help you make it all easier.
Therapy and living on earth for this long has shown me that the lovers were right, it was indeed an unhealthy behaviour, no matter how good the intention behind it was, it could be traced to the need to having people like me, and the notion that being perceived as useful would validate my existence in their life, so I gradually started to do the hard work to unlearn the behaviour.
So what do I do differently now? Well, I try to work against that default mode, I literally have full on conversations with myself
Dawn: Timiebi did they specifically ask you for help?”
Timiebi: No they didn’t but if I just search on Google or ask that person, they can…
Dawn: Timiebi, evaluate your reasoning for wanting to help and then come back.
Timiebi: I just wanted them to like me, to see that I know this, to blablabla.
Dawn: Timiebi, breathe and go on with your day!
Timiebi: Yes ma’am!
Yes, my names have different personalities and Dawn is the toughest😂
This conversation doesn’t work all the time but 90% of the time sha it stops “my need to help” syndrome in its tracks and I can move on with my life. I’m open to helpful tips abs ways to handle this behaviour, so please share with me in the comment section. Thank you.
Another thing I struggled with for a long time was learning how to label and view relationships with people properly.
Let me give you an example, many years ago, my cousin and I were somewhere and she introduced me as her cousin, now there was nothing wrong in it but I saw her as more my sister than cousin, I even called her sis, so imagine my shock, how dare you call me cousin, cousin!😱
Was she right in calling me her cousin? Yes
Was I right in reacting that way? Yes.
I have someone who called me their best friend but I never felt like one, why? My definition of best friend differed from how our relationship was; they never seemed to care about anything except themselves, and interacting with them left me feeling burdened all the time. So of course to me, we were acquaintances or at best, just friends.
Have you ever been in this situation? How did you navigate it?
What am I saying? Well, it’s okay to call someone what they are to you; colleague, business partner, neighbour, extended family, boss, church member etc. and not feel guilty about using the titles. I have more acquaintances than friends and have come to a place where I’m okay with that fact.
Timiebi, does seeing someone as an acquaintance mean you don’t like them or will treat them unkindly? Of course not, but I know that labelling relationships properly helps in reducing heartbreak and the breaking of those hidden terms and conditions most relationships come with.
What’s the purpose of all of this?
Well, I don’t know, when the writing mojo hits, I don’t question it!
Remember, as much as you can, treat people with kindness but if they say their head used to reject good thing, change it for them one time! Stay always guiding, omo aye!
Have a lovely week ahead.💛
Hello quirkies, been a few hot minutes right? I never knew how to jump back into the blogging world but I guess I just did! How are you doing? How have you been handling this parallelogram(there’s this trend where people call this anything but a pandemic, which P words do you use?). In the time since I’ve been on here, I’ve moved houses, worked on a few projects, had COVID, celebrated my birthday, had the vaccine and just tried to live life one day at a time.
Should you expect me back on the blog? Yes! Will I try to be more consistent, hopefully yes.
For now, we’ll have one post per week until I get into the rhythm of things, you can also follow me on Instagram ( I’m usually active on stories than on the feed) to keep in touch.
Until next week (or when I reply to your comment) Stay well and remember, you are the best thing, so don’t hesitate to pepper all of us with your awesomeness!😉